Act III: Hunter and Hunted

Scene I: Truth and Tale

“I saw him!” said Valentine to Lord Highbrow, “Lego Stoutheart, the son of your arch enemy! He was standing right there talking to Liliete from that very spot!”

“Impossible, Valentine,” said Lord Highbrow, “she could not have heard him from the balcony if he stood where you are pointing at.”

“Well, he used a ladder!” replied Valentine.

“What?! A ladder from where?” exclaimed Highbrow.

“From the fireman’s truck that was parked next to the house of that nerdy, geeky, idiotic, good for nothing Salvador Darling (Darling sneezed in his house),” cried Valentine.

“You mean to say that he stole a ladder, climbed up to the balcony, and spoke to Liliete last night?!” said Lord Highbrow, beginning to be alarmed.

“That is exactly what I am saying,” said Valentine, “and their faces was so near to each other that they looked like they were kissing.”


Lord Highbrow threw his suitcase on the floor.

“How could this happen?!” cried Lord Highbrow, “I raised her up to be a zoologist so that she would fall in love with animals instead of men! That way, I would always have someone to scratch my back when I have a backache! To think that she promised to stay with me until she is a hundred years old! That Winnie, weasel, whimpering, waffle-looking son of a Stoutheart!”

“Have no fear, Lord Highbrow,” said Valentine calmly, “I have a plan.”

“Pray, share with me,” whispered Lord Highbrow.

“I heard,” said Valentine, “that Lego Stoutheart has never lost to anyone in his life during a competition. But that is because his parents always protected him by making him compete with idiots and losers. When he faces tough competition, his parents would bribe the competitors with hard cash to make them lose on purpose.”

“This is all well and good,” said Lord Highbrow, “but how does the knowledge of this help us?”

“Knowledge is power, Lord Highbrow,” said Valentine, “winning easily has become a part of Lego Stoutheart that he has grown spoilt and decadent. I will challenge him to a series duels that would test his strength, speed, and superiority of intellect. He would not refuse my challenge. And I will lay a trap for him. One that he cannot escape.”

“This sounds like a good plan to me,” said Lord Highbrow tapping Valentine on the shoulders, “you are free to use any of my resources for your plan, Valentine. May God be with you.”


Scene II: As You Like It

And so it came to pass on that fateful evening that Valentine Highbrow challenged Lego Stoutheart to meet him on the zebra crossing in front of the Pink Cafe.

“To cut to the chase,” said Valentine not knowing that Lego had already married Liliete, “I caught you meeting Lady Liliete the other night. And I have come to redeem her honor.”

Lego who was a little disturbed at fighting a member of his wife’s family replied, “And how do you propose to go around this business in redeeming her honor?”

“A series of contests,” said Valentine, “that will test our strength, speed and superiority in intellect.”

At the word of contest, Lego’s face lit up and he replied, “Sure, I have never lost a contest in my life and I never will! But how will this redeem the so called lost honor of the noble Lady Liliete?”

“If you win, the House of Highbrow would overlook this transgression and permit your little affair to stay secret,” replied Valentine, “but if I win, you will need to leave Legonia, never to return.”

“That sounds like a good deal,” said Lego.

“But the nature of these contests would be decided by me,” said Valentine slyly.

“As you like it! As long as they be fair!” retorted Lego and they both shook hands to seal the deal.


Scene III: Strength and Sumo Wrestling

A few days later….

A special ring was built for the contests between Valentine Highbrow and Lego Stoutheart. And although none of the citizens of Legonia had an inkling why the two men were fighting against each other, they came to see the contests. There on top of the stage, Valentine and Lego faced each other.

Sitting on a raised pedestal was the Lord Mayor himself. He was not happy that Lego had stopped chasing his daughter, Mona. But like all politicians, the Mayor was still smiling although he was unhappy.

Looking at the stage below from her balcony was Liliete herself. She had been promptly grounded (although she is 30 years old) by her father after Valentine had exposed of her affair (the Highbrows did not know that Liliete had already married Lego) with Lego. She watched with concerned eyes, afraid for the safety of her husband.

Valentine was the first to reach the stage, followed by Lego. Like the title of this scene implied, the first contest was a sumo-wrestling match. So both male exponents came on stage wearing only their Japanese underpants.

Before the match started, Lego managed to wave to Liliete who was very alarmed because it was the first time she saw Lego without his clothes on and she found him a little fat and panda-looking.

Before the match begun, both Valentine and Lego bowed to each other as was customary for all Japanese and Japanese related activities.

Then the Lord Mayor rang the bell and the match started!

Valentine rushed forward into Lego who stood firmly with two feet planted on the ground. Valentine felt as though he had hit a solid brick wall!

Lego had a secret. He seldom exercised and he ate only oily food (especially fries). In time, the oil turned into fat, and due to the lack of exercise, the fat remained fat. Slowly, Lego inched forward, invigorated and rejuvenated by the calls of his lover, Liliete.

Soon Lego had Valentine at the age of the stage. The crowd was going wild! Some cheered for Lego, others cheered for Valentine. Everyone was cheering for somebody!

With one last Sumo push, Lego threw his the weight of his body on Valentine, pushing him off the stage.

Valentine fell off the stage onto Lord Highbrow below. Lord Highbrow who had little hair at the front of his head to shield the impact screamed in pain as Valentine fell on top of him.

Lady Highbrow, Liliete’s mother, who always wanted to hit Lord Highbrow for all the nonsensical things that he have done in his life, cheered for Lego. It was always better to kill with a borrowed knife.

Lego! Lego! Lego! Roared the crowded.

Lego was elated and raised both of his hands in victory. He even dragged his Go-Kart No.1 stage on top of the Sumo stage so that he can make point that he was unbeatable.

Or so Lego thought.


Scene IV: Speed and Shadow Boxing

After Valentine recovered from his humiliating defeat, he began to eat meat (he was a vegetarian before the Sumo-match).

And by doing so, he gained strength.

The second match was boxing and Valentine was a professional boxer (as he works for a company that wrap presents for children).

The two contestants take to the stage again with Valentine and Lego wearing boxing head guards, gloves and pants.

Lego was still too happy over his previous win that he wasted a lot of energy throwing punches into the air to show his male dominance and prowess. Valentine thought that Lego should just pee by the side of the stage like a dog if he wants to show his male dominance.

At the sound of the bell, the second match started.

Lego launched himself at Valentine, throwing a strong right swing.

Valentine parried the blow only to reel back from the impact.

And then Lego overextended himself with another huge right swing only to deal damage to the air. Valentine responded with a nice jab to the side of Lego’s head.

As Lego turned to face Valentine, he was met with a strong right uppercut straight into his face.

Lego felt his body became weightless as he staggered back from the blow.

In the end, Lego lost his footing and plunged face down into the ring. A knockout blow by Valentine.

Valentine was proclaimed the winner and Lego, who have never lost a single game in his entire life, lost.


Scene V: Too Fast, Too Furious

A day after Lego lost for the first time in his life, the third and final duel with Valentine took place.

The last contest was a race between Valentine and Lego. Lego, who was a professional Go-Kart racer, thought that this last contest was to his benefit.

But he was soon dismayed when Valentine brought the newest one-seater Audi R8 Spyder.

All Lego had was his Go-Kart. But Valentine used the funds provided by Lord Highbrow to purchase the newest prototype designed by Audi for the race. The car had a sleek body with an aerodynamical shape built for speed.

But Lego trusted his skills and kept his spirits high although his ride was half the length of Valentine’s.

After everyone who was supposed to come to the race had arrived, the Mayor took the stage and announced the conditions of the race.

Both contestants would start from the house of Salvador Darling and the first car to pass Lord Stoutheart’s house would be the winner.

As soon as the two contestants were ready, the Mayor started the race.

3 — 2 — 1 — Go!


Valentine’s Audi shot forward like a lightning bolt with all cylinders pumping furiously.

Lego’s Go-Kart started off slower.

But soon, Lego’s Go-Kart was following right behind Valentine’s Audi.

Soon they passed the Pink Cafe!

They ignored the speed limit sign and continued the race!

At the corner, Valentine’s heavier car took the outer lane due to its weight. Lego’s Go-Kart managed to corner using the inner lane because of its light chassis.

Miraculously, Lego used the momentum of the corner to lunge forward!

The crowd could not belief their eyes as Lego’s Go-Kart overtook Valentine’s Audi!

The end seems near as Lord Stoutheart’s house was just a few meters in front of Lego.

The end seemed inevitable.

Lego was the first to reach Lord Stoutheart’s house! He was the winner of the race!

Lego could not believe that he won! He raised his hands up high and closed his eyes. Soon he would be reunited with his wife Liliete and all would be well. Valentine would not trouble them no longer.

He thought that his life’s story would end with a ‘happily ever after’.


Scene VI: Justice and Judgment

When Lego opened his eyes, he could not believe what he was seeing.

A police blockade had sealed the road right after his father, Lord Stoutheart’s, house.

It seemed as though the police force that had blockaded the road had brought an entire army of police officers.

Lego was asked to get out of his vehicle and put his hands right up in the air.

Soon the police officers asked Lego to take off his helmet too.

The police officers then handcuffed Lego and gave him the Miranda Warning.

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?”

Lego replied that he was in a race organized by the House of Highbrow. The police officers simply sneered at him and told him that he had in the course of his reckless and dangerous driving, committed 101 driving offenses which includes the one for taking part in illegal racing.

He would be charged in court and the maximum sentence was 10 years in prison.

“More laws, less justice!” cried Lego.

“Ignorance of the law is no excused!” jeered the policemen.

Lego was led to a police van.

They placed him in the prisoner seat.

And slammed the door into his face.

In the darkness, Lego began to meditate. And then, he prayed. Ironic indeed that one only feels the need for God only during one’s darkest hour.

Lego knew that he had been suckered. Valentine had not completed the race. He was nowhere to be seen. He had arranged for the policemen to blockade the road, knowing that Lego would drive straight into his trap.

When the doors of the police van opened. The person standing in front of Lego was the last person that he would expect.

It was Lady Highbrow herself, the mother to his wife, and thus, his mother-in-law. I repeat, his mother-in-law.

She was also a police officer.

Mother-in-law + policewoman = dead son-in-law.

Without wasting any time, Lady Highbrow released Lego from his handcuffs.

When finally Lady Highbrow opened her mouth, she bade that Lego leave Legonia.

“You have been tricked by Valentine,” she said hurriedly, “you must leave Legonia and never return. I will get into a lot of trouble if I am found to have released you. But I know that my daughter loves you and that she wants you to be safe. So go, leave Legonia and take her love to another land. I have arranged for your parent to give you a sum of money before you leave. Go and gain great renown and come back to our town as a hero. Only then would you be absolved of your crimes!”


2 Responses to “Act III: Hunter and Hunted”
  1. You’re a genius. Loved it.

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